I’m not password protecting…but mother beware

on ways to kill the mood:

I HATE when I take the time and money and pain to go through waxing, and you can’t even bother the extra 5 min it takes to do a little manscaping (Let’s be honest gurls as much as man-waxing might be nice in your head you would have a few questions for the man who did it in real life). That ish is NOT cute, or comfortable. I don’t want to have to waddle around slathered in cocoa butter for the rest of the week because it feels like I have rug burn on my vajayjay. The same can be said for shaving your face when you’re trying to be…considerate? giving? or whatever. I mean truly- I shouldn’t even have to act like it’s a big deal considering how quickly I find myself being…considerate…

And speaking of being considerate- who the HELL taught men that flicking tongue thing of DEATH. I HATE the tongue flicking thing. How would you feel if I flicked my tongue at you??? Um…annoyed- You’d start planning your day or your next shopping trip or trying to remember if you bought the right shoes for the dress you want to wear tomorrow too. My roomie has the best word- instead of eating out or licking or whatever you want to call it. She says “face”. And she says it on purpose- like that’s when it’s done right- IT TAKES THE WHOLE FACE.

Back to my initial rant on preparation, or the lack thereof. I love shower sex- yeah I said it. Coming from my germ-freak OCD, the perfect easy clean of shower sex is incredibly appealing. But shower sex isn’t as easy as you would think. The most common problem- who is going to be cold? Seriously, who wants to be the person like, getting the leftover spray off your back shivering in the corner? No one does. So what is the solution? Garden tubs, double shower heads…Trying that ish in a normal bath/shower combo deal = not gonna work. Unless of course, you can pick me up. And hello seriously bad idea to try and pick someone up in the shower if you don’t think you can get a good grip or make that hold easily. I say this because you almost falling and me grabbing the shower rod to save my life is neither flattering nor cute. Holler at a bicep curl, or holler at Kohler.

I feel the need for a short disclaimer- this in no way is a reflection on any particular person. This is a compilation of my life, and my friends’ life stories. In honor of that- a turn off for the men:

Ladies please invest in a good spa with some foreign waxers. They take no prisoners! And, to put none too fine a point on it- when your man is all up on you after you just went running, I don’t care how much he insists that he likes you sweaty- TAKE A SHOWER ( in fact, this is the perfect time for said shower sex)- you may extrapolate the reasons for this statement given the aforementioned rant about…being considerate.

and ways to fix it

Hint: we’re really easy. I promise. If we’re already at the point where you are even in the running for some “somesome” and you have fallen prey to laziness, or poor planning, or maybe it’s been a minute since you’ve been to the gym, remember- EASY. My steps to getting it bk together.

Step 1 Acknowledge the missstep. Don’t lay there in front of me praying I won’t notice the fact that between your ignorance (which you can’t claim anymore)/laziness (which is never a good excuse)/ or genetics (which you saw coming given your the rest of your hairy ass) I am now considering whether or not I can cornrow my way down this treasure trail. I mean really- make a joke: something like “My bad: I was growing a winter coat”.

Step 2 Apologize – we love apologies, apologize all the time. Apologize even when you’re right. It is always the right answer to apologize. Side note: “My bad” does not qualify as an apology. Look straight into my face and say “I’m sorry”. If we don’t completely forget about whatever you messed up on- you may want to consider that you’ve made a bigger misstep than the aforementioned misstep possibilities.

Step 3 Re-group!!! Dust yourself off and try again. Note the Dust yourself off portion of that and replace that with – shave, put some more effort (neck/back…)into it, pour more wine, break out the chocolate ice cream if you have to ( and the good stuff too– if I don’t see slow churned on the label it doesn’t count). Now here’s another possible point for a misstep. We don’t start right off where we left off if there has been a pause in game play. We have to figure out the new line of scrimmage, reset the game clock, re-evaluate whether or not we want to go for it on 4th down. So that means you’re gonna have to rev us up all over again as well. And don’t just start with the screaming like some immature freshman cheerleader. I need the slow clap of the senior captain of the student section. ( so maybe I’m watching saturday college football as I’m typing this)

Step 4 Execute. This is when the coach has to step back and let the boys play. I believe in you!!! There may be times when you’re going down- and I may call a time out. But I believe!

Be fun, Be good, and Be Safe!!!

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4 thoughts on “I’m not password protecting…but mother beware

  1. minabee says:

    hmm. As in more ways women misstep? or more ways for them to overstep the misstep? I’ll have to work on it, perhaps a survey of my male friends- LOVE THIS IDEA!

  2. chelle says:

    It’s time for the book version, it’s overdue. You have “Panache” and are way beyond the tête-à-tête. So, continue to score your thoughts, it’s liberating and damned therapeutic.

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