Adventures Biking in Texas: Firecrotch

So for a quick forray( how the heck do you spell that?) into the now before we revisit that first fateful hondo trip: Biking adventures in Austin.

Day 1 No biking adventures happened

Day 2 So (how am I supposed to refer to him? Ex sounds a little too definitive. Friend just isn’t completely accurate. and “old boy” doesnt really fit with what he looks like…) ‘that dude I’m living with?’ went to work today and I was left to fend for myself in your typical bachelor pad. Ok so it isn’t that typical, as evidenced by the fact that he is currently mopping the floor!!! Ladies when’s the last time you mopped your floor? But the point is there is no food. Technically that is a lie: he has coke zero (which anyone who’s been on a surgery rotation knows you can survive off of) egg whites, sliced turkey, carrots, hummus, apple sauce, and string cheese. Apparently this is diet food. So I gather some apple sauce, carrots and hummus for b-fast but I’m stuck on what to do about lunch. Mind you he has a 40lb single gear bike hanging from his ceiling. hmmmmmm.

Problems #1 I cannot reach said bike

Problem #2 He has no helmet

Solution #1 He has chairs

Solution #2 Texas has no helmet on bike laws ( i think this is related to other problems they have here in texas) and I’m hungry!

So I proceed to move one of the dining room chairs to below this hanging bike, stand upon it, and lift the bike off its hangers upside down, flip it and set it on the ground. I then climbed off the chair and was off!!! This may sound ridiculous but you’d be amazed how often I’m standing on chairs at this height. Today I had to hop onto the counter top to get up to reach a measuring cup. I do not know why he has the measuring cup up that high like I’m not the only one who uses it.

I then switch my moneys and phone and all to my camera case because it’s the only thing I can strap on my back smaller than my whole back and proceed to bike it out! Now I don’t know about you all, but I have not biked anywhere important (lunch is important!) in like…8 yrs. So I take a few turns around the parking lot to make sure I don’t still need training wheels. There are a few issues that remain because he is 5’11 and I’m 5’2 but the seat is as far adjusted as possible.

I’m a bit scared to get on the roadway so I stick to the sidewalk. I immediately foresee problems because, hello, its like 100degrees outside- frikin Texas at the end of July. And I’m rocking jeans and a t shirt with slip on shoes and no socks. So like all ill fated and in this case unplanned workouts a few blocks in I’m like ‘What was I thinking?’ combined with a little, ‘Are Crepes worth all this effort?” Clearly the answer to the second is yes so I trudge along only to be met with the fated…(da da duhnnnn!) HILL. I first note there must be a hill coming up because all these other bikers on the other side of the street are flying down the sidewalk. Mind you they have on proper biking gear and are all laced up in these light-weight bikes with real brakes on the handlebars…unlike these bike ride backward brakes. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU RODE A BIKE THAT BRAKED WHEN YOU WENT BACKWARDS!!! This joint is like, vintage. So I’m trudging up this hill and have to stay seated the whole time to avoid, shall we say, saddle injury, and I just about die. I’m huffing and puffing and – let’s be honest- praying by the time I get to the top. And so I’m sitting there looking at the turn for my crepes and just decide to turn around. I rode that bike all the way home.

So I get home and I’ve like soaked through my shirt and all my unmentionables So i decide to wash my clothes, drink some agua and sit around naked planning my next move. I open another rando cabinet only to find WHEAT THINS!!! I am saved!

Day 3 Hiatus from bike trips

Day 4 Ill-planned volleyball trip

Day 5 Bike trip #2 I missed spinning this morning because honestly, why do I even try to convince myself I’m going to wake up at 5:30 am to work out? So I decide to bike to my new gym instead later that day. Once again, I am afraid of biking on the street, especially sans helmet. The only trouble with sticking to the sidewalk is all they do to make sidewalks look pretty and separate from drive -ways. On this side of the street they have these railings that pop up for no reason to separate the sidewalk from the ever so menacing…grass. So the first railing comes up and I still haven’t got enough practice to manuever it without some difficulty. So I’m planning my approach as I see it. I first slow down with the backward brakes but then I start to wobble. I’m speeding up to regain my balance and now the railing is fast approaching. I swerve left at the last minute to avoid the first but upon seeing a second I need to veer sharply to the right. I panic. I run into the railing…thus propelling myself forward off my seat. I avoid the middle bar by awkwardly falling to my side. Obviously my first concern is – did anyone see that? But no, I’m the only idiot biking out in this heat. So I regroup and carry on.

In front of me I begin to see another ominous sign- the freeway. However, there are no sidewalk ramps on my side or the other side of the street and there is no cross walk to cross over as my side walk abruptly ends. Now I recall in my younger days being able to jump curbs on my bicycle- both on and off the curb with no difficulty. So I think to myself- it’s go time! I wait until no cars are coming, build up some speed and jump off the curb (off is the easy part) bow I’ve got some confidence and I’m headed across to jump the other. Now is the point where I begin to think, this old-school bike has no shocks, it’s heavy, and I can’t ride it standing up…saddle injury ahead. So I’m headed swiftly to the other side, give it a half-hearted jump go lift up thingamajig and once again, fly forward off onto my handle bars. This time I am unable to avoid the center bar and suffice it to say I was laughing and crying the rest of the way to the gym.

My trip back was uneventful, except for the fact that I have discovered other ills associated with leaving your bike out in the heat for 2 hrs while u work out…whole new meaning to fire crotch- hint: I’m not a red head.

I’ve just thought of a subtitle to this post: Adventures Biking in Texas: firecrotch. LMAO


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