It’s getting to the point where retail therapy isn’t working. And neither are all the attempts Im making to distance myself. Admittedly, I haven’t been trying too hard. Too much hoping, and wanting and thinking I’m needing things I have no business hoping, wanting or needing. I don’t know how many lessons it’s gonna take for me to actually get to the point where I never cry over a man again but apparently I’m not there yet. And all ya’ll know the only reason I posted that out loud and online is because I have no fear of certain people ever reading this without prompting. (wow- cue the violins playing in the background- disgusting)
And it doubly sux because I allowed myself to end up in this position in the first place. You have never been dishonest about who you were, I just made you in to who I wanted you to be- and ignored everything telling me to stop, to redirect, to call a timeout, to punt the frikin ball. Ugh I hate when I’m confronted with my own youth and stupidity. Ladies, when someone shows you who they are, believe them- Maya Angelou style. Actions speak louder than words, you’re the #2 for a reason, know your role, you don’t buy the cow when you can get the milk for free and all of that stuff. The age old adages are age-old for a reason…that shyt is the truth.
I don’t know that I’m going to post this one. Partly because I hate admitting foolishness all out in public to the world and such. I’m dreading the backlash from all my girls- and my little sister leading the pack of shaking their heads at me. A few months ago I told a friend of mine I was scared of how hard it was going to be this year to keep myself open, to let myself be vulnerable, without being 1) stupid or 2) closing off just because the last time I left myself vulnerable it didn’t turn out too well. And this is the dilemma with making this post public- do I allow myself to be open, to be vulnerable to all the critiques that are coming? Or, do I keep this one private, and in so doing- censor myself, paint myself as confident, as capable, all the time. Do I hide away my mistakes? Is there something to be said for all those walls I have up? I hope so, because they are pushing back up around me with a vengeance. Forget the picket fence- this time I’m digging a mote, I’m hiring snipers, I’m hooking up the electricity and the barbed wire. If you want in you better come strapped like Tomb Raider.