This post is all over the place…hold on- I said no disclaimers. Enjoy:
So, in the beginning of this year- actually more towards the end of last year, I was sitting in an awesome bar with some old and new friends discussing things we were thankful for this year, things we looked forward to the next year, and (in my case anyway) the challenges foreseen in all of the above. I know…- the best kind of convo to have over a gin and tonic. Anyways, I stated at that time that over the past year I have been so grateful for the wonderful friends and family I have all around me and I was concerned that over the next year, as I continue my journey to becoming more open- that I would fail. That I would close. And while I’m not failing..it’s taking every bit of grit and strength and a decently scary bit of denial to remain open.
I feel like my hands are the only thing pulling me up
my hands are the only thing
and they are beginning to slip
and bloodied tips
painting all that I am trying to climb
I bite my lip
And perhaps here is the problem: I am opening the wrong things. Ok that came out wrong ( or did it?). But perhaps last year was about opening myself to other people, and this year is about opening myself to new opportunities. Sounds a bit like an excuse to retreat doesn’t it. But when I tell you that already, the 2 months of 2012 have been a BIYATCH!- I am not exaggerating. Oh I can’t wait until match day when all of my anger, and joy, and bitterness, and fear, and hope can come spewing forth onto these digital pages! March 16th I’m going to laugh and jump up and down and do the twist. March 17th I’m going to write.
Hopefully I will not be writing with any references at all to the following song I woke up to on my sister’s facebook page. Hopefully my stomach wont twist and turn at every text message that comes on my phone- like this conflicting response of butterflies and nausea; exemplifiing exactly how I feel about him…them…ahhhh this was supposed to be a reflective blog post on the reflections I’ve been having since a) starting lent and b) reading a devotional series called confident women. Ugh I HATE how feelings creep in unannounced and unwelcome! My type A personality- with all it’s planning and forethought and foresight is in direct conflict with my whole frikin life right now. I am so sick of jumping back and forth between D’ Angelo’s “feel like making love” and Chrisette Michele’s “Be Okay”. Anyway; the song: DIARY by Wale
Oh this song right now: I don’t even know if I can reach inside myself to push out how I feel in anyway outside of referencing another: Killing me Softly– and Roberta Flack style too. The simple, timeless, and universal feeling of hearing your soul laid bare by a song. Oh man I’m channeling Toni Braxton now : another sad love song. It’s time to get up- get down…in some down dog, and do my afirmations. Blah…wait- is Toni Braxton using both the wind machine and the rain in this video??? and is she crushin on a dude in a crushed velvet blazer?!!! Man that turned out to be a great start to my day afterall!
p.s. In writing this I managed to get sidetracked and watched all sorts of ole skool music videos. Thus began a fashion show in my room filled with oversized tshirts tied in knots at the front- now I know my mom has some high-waisted pants in here somewhere.