So yesterday evening, after a long day and headed into an even longer weekend I came up with a set of plans for the current cray cray of my life. After the full blown break-down, and get back up again that was Thanksgiving I resolved to get back on the wagon. The trouble was re-arranging the baggage I carry in my wagon. Sort of like Oregon trail, some shyt is not surviving the forging of the river. Over the past month one of the things I kicked off…more for budgetting reasons than anything else would be…self care. I guess since I couldn’t get my hair done, or get waxed, and I was starting a new skin regimen so my face was looking like it did at 13, I just let myself go for the time being. Last night I decided to rectify some of that…by experimenting.
Note: when experimenting with self care products- one should follow the instructions. You should not, as I have- texturize your hair with your bare hands- your fingers will require cetaphil for the next month. You should not allow any of your hair dye to remain on any surface for longer than it does on your hair because it will look like you murdered someone in your bathroom for the next 4 sets of Mr. Clean required to scrub red dye off your floors. You should not attempt self-waxing your bikini line by heating the wax on top of your heater. You should not- and this one is from a friend- have your boyfriend wax you when neither of you have done so much as watch a youtube video of the process. While I hear there was much…bonding…after the disaster of that latter experience She still tells it as a harrowing tale to warn off unsuspecting 20year olds from self waxing kits.
So since I was not about to drop 75$ for a brazilian, mostly because I need all the back-up I can get in this attempt at celibacy, I decided that NAIR might be a good option for at least some maintainance. I do NOT recommend shaving to anyone but especially Black people because, as a woman, and as a doctor- ingrown hairs happen…but they are not sexy, and holding a hot compress to your hooha 3 times a day is rarely practical for anyone with a job. So onto Nair I commenced. Alas- I did not read the directions. I assumed it would be one of those- ok to use for bikini lines but not so much the brazilian effect because whatever the hell can make hair disintegrate and wipe off in under three minutes is probably something you DO NOT want to put over more, shall we say, sensitive areas. So with that in mind I Naired myself up, turned the shower on, and started to brush my teeth for the requisite 3 minutes of waiting time. Belatedly, I realized that perhaps I should extend my Nair application further “around the corner” in an attempt to reach “hard to reach areas”- like it says Nair is good for on all the commercials. Having said that- somehow between basic anatomy and my whole you know, doctorate in medicine, I forgot that said “hard to reach areas” are covered with mucosal epithelial surfaces rather than keratinized epithelia. Which is to say- there is a difference between the skin in your mouth and the skin on your face. And why, shortly thereafter said application of Nair I was doing this odd sort of squat bowlegged waddle but in fast forward real time to the cabinet for hand towels to WIPE THAT ISH OFF!!! My butt hole was on fire. The Kardashians are crazy for butt bleaching and after this I will never attempt that stuff myself. I hoped that getting into the shower would help but I had to use soap to get the remnants of that horrible stuff…which smells by the way, off. And then like slathered on baby oil like I had diaper rash at 27 and laid down, spread eagle- to laugh at myself. Like seriously- I had no plans for anyone to be seeing the results of my misbegotten efforts but when I say I needed some motivation to keep my legs closed I did not mean Jesus, for you to set them on FIRE.
The next morning, this cray story ended, as all my crazy stories end- in a dramatic re-telling to my little sister: who whooped and hollered and told me to share with you all. This is me, and humility Prostrate…literally, before you.
I am thankful today for laughter- hope you got some just now. P.S. my nether regions have recovered and would like to send a shout out to baby oil and shea butter.