I haven’t really felt like writing. My thoughts seem to be running back and forth between the extremes of “God I hate diets” to “Praises for the bestest friends and family ever” and all of the highs and lows in between. Intern year is right at that point where you are simultaneously beginning to think you know what you are doing…and then being proven wrong- daily. The weight loss plan has moved from the easy and fast start to the laborious and slow plateaus. My attempts at drawing nearer to God is right at the point of the serious PRESS. It’s like the moment during the bench press where you are all at once thanking everyone for your spotter, who is doing most of the lifting at this point. The trouble is…I’m having a bit of trouble with that thankfulness part. I am not good with the SLOW BUT STEADY…anything.
Perhaps that is the point of these “in between” times; the grey zone- to remind me that clarity comes from within. This will, in all likelihood, not be the only time in my life where I am broke, tired, hungry, bored, and alternatively grateful, excited, and expectant all at the same time. It will not be the last time I seem to want to write about all the things that I should hold inside for just a little bit longer, and cant find anything else that even makes me want to pick up a pen. And so- in the honesty that you have come to love about me…now that I’ve spouted all I can about the silver lining- a quick rant.
Yesterday I ate:
a protein shake with two bananas and some sort of skinny latte
a kale/pear/havarti cheese salad and lentil soup
fruit salad, tuna and regular house salad,
total cereal and greek yogurt,
and some broccoli/mustard green/pear/carrot juice mixed with flax seed and plain greek yogurt
– and I about STARVED
and so, after getting off work- I was a bit cranky during my studying for step 3. I had some trouble forcing my way through my workout Jillian Michaels is an evil beast). It hurt watching my cousin walk away from American Idol (more me than her). And I managed to trick myself into believing I wasn’t irritated at my man for the combo of ” hey what r u wearing” attitude and “I promise I can pay attention to you while watching the Celtics/Lakers game” lies (I swear I am an old soul. My generation’s complete comfort with the lack of communication in texting is probably NOT coincedent with our inability to maintain faithful relationships unless we are quite literally wrapped around one another) .
This morning- I’m already 1 protein shake, 1 banana, and 2 boiled egg whites into the day. Here’s to hoping that this moment of clarity will last. Am Haiku:
Clarity will last
For just as long as you do
Just outside my grasp
I am learning trust
In small doses: diets still suck