I am currently sitting at a desk in the hospital writing. I’m supposed to be at some meeting or another but I had to take some time to save myself. Or more accurately- write a bit about how my girls and my God are currently saving me. I think that the biggest lesson in “saving yourself” is that you can’t. All that foolishness about “getting myself together”- it is impossible. I have never in my life (admittedly only 27yrs strong) “gotten myself together”. F the frikin bootstraps! I’m pulling myself up- and being pulled up and together by spirits, and hands, and ancestors, and all sorts of laughter, and shared tears. Among the lessons (re)learned today- was taking time to save yourself. And as such…I’m writing in the middle of the day.
Oddly enough- the ease of the sister-pull up/together was facilitated first by facebook and now by group me. And while I could and will go into the beauty and trappings of using technology to facilitate interpersonal relationships that will be saved for another discussion. This one instead, is about salvation- and its many forms.
My God- routinely, saves me. And this is something I probably take for granted. That’s the trouble with unconditional love- you don’t see on it, it’s always there. You can mess it up and take it back and trip all over it and still- it comes searching for you on happy days to give you a high five, and on bad days to bring you back to the happy ones. Still, this kind of unseen love- this voice that I can’ put a finger on and know- sometimes doesn’t seem to get my jokes. Jesus and I have a lot of “why did I share?” moments. You know, when you are retelling something to someone and you are all excited about it and they just kind of look at you- or worse, chuckle appreciatively, or say lol as a conversation filler when they aren’t really laughing…- those are “why did I share moments” You never hear about Jesus making jokes. Seems like Jesus didn’t grapple with his sexuality, or kinks, or geekiness, or desire to use the f-bomb. Jesus didn’t worry about whether he looked sexy in his tunic and sandals- or if he did he didn’t talk about it in public so I’m missing the example I’m supposed to follow. Jesus didn’t worry about having kids by 30 bc he knew he was dying at 33…didn’t save for retirement. I’m pretty sure Jesus was a socialist and I’m just too greedy for that shyt ( hope Jesus isn’t mad I said that just then). And so while that salvation is real, and is the most important- its intangibility and distance makes it hard to see and feel and love on a daily basis.
The salvation I am talking about therefore- is the one that sounds a little more like this:
” I hate the nuance and blatant perversions of privilege and savior complexes”
” Wait! I can cook! I have wide thighs! I should have gone to an HBC- I want a redo”
” I wore the panties that are like shorts today because I rode my bike to school. Turns out that was a terrible idea. Not only are my shorts riding up my cheeks, but I have twice as much fabric as normal…fml”
“I have too much too much pride and too little commitment for a personal trainer”
” status post workout: I’m out here in LA lookin like Beloved with a lazy eye”
” Are we posting pre and post workout pics? Like I said before my exercise is sex these days…It’ll just be hella photos of me cheesin hella hard”
This is the type of salvation that keeps you from falling off the edge. These women…There are only so many colored girls who were natural before natural was cool. Only so many who will go camping with you, go thrift store raiding with you, and then spend all your saved money on makeup/shoes/ music albums you can’t afford. And perhaps this isn’t what you need to survive. I need someone to yell at the TV with me about how the promotion of the dichotomy of the strong (physically) dominant, unyielding Black man and the submissive, churchgoing, naive, skinny, light skinned black woman is literally killing us (Damn Tyler Perry!). I need someone who will let me love Jesus and sex at the same time ( and find a way to work through that almost polarizing issue given the fact that we are no longer getting married at 15). I need someone who will love Africa and all of her peoples ( including the Jews) but who knows that they have no desire to go move back to Ghana and rough it out against the mosquitoes. I need girls who read, and write, and fall down, and pull me back up daily.
For your salvation- for yourself- I encourage you to find yours. Find the people with no “why did I share moments”